Electric Shadow

The Morals Of...Jennifer's Body

Revenge is morally just. Period.

With the help of an Oscar, you can get away with making a sluggishly-paced horror movie that is so tongue-in-cheek that you can taste air with your lips closed.

Going by the nickname "Needy" when your name is actually "Anita" will only make you more outcast.

No good comes from forgetting to drain huge abandoned indoor pools that have been overgrown with roots and vines for years.

Everything is always some boy's fault.

A girl may greet another girl in an endearing, clever-as-hell manner with no repercussions by calling her the name of a feminine hygiene product.

All boys are easily-manipulated morons.

The Morals Of... sprang forth fully-formed from the head of a post I made to my Twitter feed.

The Morals Of...The Final Destination

Screenwriters can try all they want to give a character a real name, but if you write him a certain way, people will only know him as Blondie McDouchebag.

A line as stupid and racist as "your time's coming, chocolate" is always capable of making a movie infinitely easier to see for what it is.

The song "Why Can't We Be Friends" makes everything better.

Contemplating murder will get you killed.

You can break as many rules as you want so long as you created them or own the intellectual property rights to them.

The Morals Of... sprang forth fully-formed from the head of a post I made to my Twitter feed.

The Morals Of...All About Steve

You can collect loads of good karma by thanking people for not raping you. Intellectual women aren't so goddamn smart. In a dwindling industry, no one should be expected to copy edit the crossword puzzles. Stalking will lead you to enlightenment. Feed OCD and social anxiety disorders, but starve common sense and self-preservation. You can get a combination of set pieces from Twister and Jurassic Park on screen if you wrap them in a romantic comedy. Exploiting the deaf for comedic effect will never go out of style in Hollywood. Rescued children gain healing powers that eliminate the need for a hospital visit. A side of Katy Mixon goes well with everything. Hell is other people, but worse hell is avoiding the rest of society. The Morals Of... sprang forth fully-formed from the head of a post I made to my Twitter feed.
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The 12 Morals Of...BNAT 11

I'm busy working on full coverage in various forms for what I saw at last weekend's BNAT 11. The event was the best programmed from top to bottom of the three I've attended. This will have to do until I can crank out all the individual pieces I've been working on since Sunday evening. I have carefully crafted some bits that spoil nothing, but that BNAT attendees will "get" more so than others.

Faust
Being a young, attractive woman exponentially increases one's likelihood of being date raped through supernatural means. Old men will do anything to screw young girls. The Devil is not to be trusted, in case you didn't get the memo.

The Lovely Bones
Being a young, attractive girl exponentially increases one's likelihood of being raped and murdered. Old men will do anything to screw young girls. A career in hip-hop can lead to playing an accountant in a movie 20 years after said career. Digital effects combined with digital photography show their seams every time.

Girl Crazy
Being a young, attractive woman exponentially increases one's likelihood of being stalked and spied-upon. Being the only woman in a desolate Wyoming college town full of red-blooded men is only slightly abnormal. Breaking into song is good for the soul, as are shameless mugging for the camera and vaudeville schtick. Even such brilliant words as "snerpy" and "diljo" can evaporate from the collective consciousness. Recycling songs and major plot points can result in a more generally memorable musical (Crazy for You).

The Red Shoes
Being a young, attractive woman exponentially increases one's likelihood of having men destroy your life by trying to control you. "It is worse to have to steal than to be stolen from." Great films turn around even those most averse to words like "ballet", "Powell/Pressburger", and "British classic".

Shutter Island
Trust everything and nothing, everyone and no one. The existence of the internet can (threaten to) ruin even the best of things in the world.

Le Magnifique
Being a young, attractive woman exponentially increases one's likelihood of being stalked by creepy, sleazy older men. The most inventive and ahead-of-their-time films will categorically diminish their later imitators after just one viewing.

Micmacs
Revenge is a dish that can be served as a warm souffle.

Frozen
Being a young, attractive woman exponentially increases one's likelihood of being trapped in the wilderness with two men who are not resourceful in any way. In the age of cell phones, not carrying one with you in the wilderness is the most moronic thing you could do. While in the process of freezing to death, a soul-searching conversation can reinvigorate you. Not even a frostbitten [body part] can stop you when you are truly determined (that applies in more than one case here). Being a hero only pays off in comic books and their movie adaptations.

Centipede Horror
Being a young, attractive woman exponentially increases one's likelihood of being raped by centipedes. Enchanted amulets would prevent a lot of bad things if you'd just wear it like you're instructed to!

The Candy Snatchers
Being a a blonde female exponentially increases one's likelihood of being raped. Mistreating your special needs child will only bring unhappiness, misfortune, and hilarity. Don't fuck with special needs kids. Growing a conscience is nullified by raping someone, no matter what else you do after the rape. Women can totally enjoy being raped and act like nothing happened later!

Kick-Ass
Girls with firearm and bladed weapon training stand no chance of ever being raped. A brilliant comic book movie does not require an existing mega-franchise as its basis to be viable. Never, ever fuck with daddy's little girl. Referring to Adam West will always be smiled upon. Shooting your child square in the chest can be endearing.

Avatar
Being a young, attractive female exponentially increases one's likelihood of having their species and planet raped. Imperialism is wrong. 3D glasses do not have to make your head hurt. What goes around comes around. Only in the movies does nature seek revenge.

The Moral Of... sprang forth fully-formed from the head of a post I made to my Twitter feed.

The Moral Of...Christmas in Handcuffs

Before we get to the Moral, I should note that I did not watch this ABC Family classic in its entirety, but rather, the last 45 minutes (including commercials) when I arrived home and prepared something to eat. It's a Christmas TV movie starring Melissa Joan Hart, Mario Lopez, Markie Post, and Timothy "That's My Bush" Bottoms. June Lockheart plays Cranky Grandma. Abduction and imprisonment of an attractive male stranger is the only way to work out one's issues with being a quirky, single, artistically-inclined woman. Men are moved to love by horror-styled abduction and handcuffing to the point that they'll realize you're really the one for them. Encourage your elderly grandmother's drunk driving habit for the hell of it, even though it engenders no character development and is never referred to again. The Moral Of... sprang forth fully-formed from the head of a post I made to my Twitter feed.
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The Moral Of...Four Christmases

Hide everything from the person you love and everything will work out to domesticated bliss. Any insane thing that your parents do is totally normal, because when people get older, they do the craziest shit you could imagine.

The Moral Of... sprang forth fully-formed from the head of a post I made to my Twitter feed.

The Moral Of...Night at the Museum 2

Resisting the urge to grow old in the bowels of a museum banging a mannequin that looks like Amy Adams and comes to life only at night is a virtue. You can always retreat into your younger, more ambitious self to avoid the pressures of fame and success. Always leave your kid at home so that he can provide you and the audience with ample exposition via cell phone.

The Moral Of... sprang forth fully-formed from the head of a post I made to my Twitter feed.

The Moral Of...Overboard

Sometimes all an uppity rich bitch needs to learn her lesson is a good knock upside the head and amnesiac sex with a day laborer. Misinformed consensual sex and plenty of housework are the secret to happiness for women everywhere. Being an otherwise loutish, lazy bastard is fine as long as you're a single parent. Accountability is always too much of a pain in the ass!

I'm realizing how often "misinformed consensual sex" is going to appear in The Moral Of's for romantic comedies.

The Moral Of... sprang forth fully-formed from the head of a post I made to my Twitter feed.

The Moral Of...The Ugly Truth

Being a career-focused, independent woman will lead to psychological disorders only curable by banging a Scotsman who should have been allowed to use his native accent since it slips out all the time anyway. Being a human sex toy for your man will transform you into the obedient, servile Stepford Slut every guy wants and deserves. Lighten up you uptight bitch, and unfurl your skank flag!

The Moral Of... sprang forth fully-formed from the head of a post I made to my Twitter feed.