I almost coughed up a lung reading the cover of The Keeper, which hits you with the following like a kick to the eyes: "Steven Seagal (Driven to Kill) unleashes his wrath -- and his fists -- in this fast-paced thriller...caught in a web of deceit, racism, and murder." At the end of the second graph "...Sallinger (Seagal)'s job turns from protector to hunter as he untangles a dangerous web of lies and murder..." Where the hell did the racism go? That mystery aside, The Keeper sees the birth of a new cinematic term: The Segalteur.

A Seaglateur is one who directs multiple Steven Seagal movies in succession. I am not the expert on Seagal that we all aspire to be, so I can't say if director Keoni Waxman, also the director of The Anna Nicole Smith Story, is the first Seagalteur we've had or not. His other contribution to the ever-expanding Seagalibrary is the upcoming A Dangerous Man, which I wish had been an action sequel to A Serious Man. Seagal would have played the rabbi who kills bad guys by night and keeps kids kosher by day at schul. "Mazel tov, mothuhfuckuh!"

I fell asleep multiple times during The Keeper on account of being ill, but the plot wasn't too complicated. Seagal's an LA cop whose partner turns on him and shoots up Seagal so that he starts at a major physical disadvantage, which is necessary for Seagal to be unable to waste all the bad guys in the opening minutes due to his inhuman amount of strength and agility). Seagal is forced into medical retirement from the force. While all this is happening, a rich man's daughter who has an idiot redneck boxer boyfriend is kidnapped. This creates a new job for Seagal. Seagal then hunts down the bad guys and yadda-yadda-yadda. Sites like Steven-Seagal.net were born for this movie.