...or, "Give it to me subtitled if you want to live".
I said these words to a Blockbuster clerk (who didn't understand me) in Spanish once. I acted out my frustration in a foreign language no one but hispanics or ahead-of-the-curve anglos would understand.
My father came to this country in '81, and speaks understandable English, but has refused to completely homogenize. He is proud of his Cuban heritage, and with it, the language.
If there's anything he loves more than our family and being Chinese-Cuban, it's movies. He loves movies to the point that he rents them in lots of ten. I exaggerate merely for effect, but sometimes he lives up to that very exaggeration when no one needs to leave the house for a long weekend.
In the days before DVD, we would rent movies from the next farthest away Blockbuster because they were the one that stocked Spanish Subtitled tapes. When he lived in Miami, Florida for a couple years (running a legitimate business killed by the Cuban Trade Embargo), you could get subtitled tapes of anything, and for cheap. It was a crapshoot in Garland, Texas.
DVD, I thought, would change everything. A subtitle track doesn't require you to put out multiple releases of the same movie anymore, how hard could it be?
Too hard for the home video distribs, apparently. I didn't even think to look, but upon arriving home for the holidays one year, I realized they'd screwed me anonymously, and long distance at that.
Beijing Bicycle, 1776, Fahrenheit 9/11, Signs, Ronin, ANYTHING from the Sundance or Criterion labels...any of these were off-limits for quality viewing time.
Just a few that come to mind that either have a French track and no Spainsh or nothing but English at all. The studios have gotten better (though Miramax conspicuously does it right and then wrong), but it was a BIG problem a couple years ago. For every disc like Lawrence of Arabia, which has so many subtitle tracks it makes you wonder if they invented any languages, there are 400 that are done wrong.
There are times when I remember an odd day when at the Blockbuster counter I realize I can't properly share The Quiet American or Ghost Dog or even Adaptation with him. Those moments are when I utter the empty threat above happen on days like today, my old man's birthday.
I would have sent him a movie, but not only could I not afford to (college budget), but it didn't have spanish subtitles. So I say to the DVD studios:
Damelo subtitulado si quieres vivir.
I promise you'd make more money selling these DVDs to the, oh...two or three spanish speakers in the states.
Feliz cumple viejo. It only takes five words to demand subtitles, but five hundred to say happy birthday.
Back in the Saddle
I've somewhat caught up on the money-making movie releases of the last few weeks at last, seeing Fantastic Four this week.
Before you worry I spent money on FF, I used a free ticket I got inside my Man in Fire Collector's Edition DVD (for which you'll soon find a review in the Discland column).
You may recall my first column dealing with the Regal takeover of a couple theatres in Tallahassee, and the Governor's Square 12 is where I happened to be that night. At the box office, I asked the attendant how she enjoyed working for Regal.
"It fucking sucks, and I already hate it after three days," was her quick reply, followed with, "I hope it gets better, but it proba--goddamn computer--yeah, it probably won't."
The major cinema chains (Regal, AMC/Loews) aren't run by the original families and movie enthusiasts who started them. These companies are run by investment banking groups.
Each of them have four or five people (if that) of people who decide the screen count fate of American cinemas. The sad fact though is that these same people who make these decisions are courted the same way radio DJs were (and their replacements, Program Directors) in the days of Payola.
If you aren't savvy, back in the heyday of radio stars (before video killed them), the hot DJs across the country got every kind of payoff possible. Backstage passes, money, probably whores. Hell, I wasn't there, so I don't know, but if you wanted it, then a record company would produce it to get a single on regular play.
In a similar fashion, the Chain Gang of programmers are liable to be swayed by "show our shit movie opening weekend on 2500 screens and we'll give you more screens than the other chain for Remake 2: The Movie Musical Sequel".
We Are Robots
The trailers finished off with a whimper (Ice Age 2: The Worst Idea Since Dumb and Dumberer) and then I saw the Regal preshow reel. For those who don’t know, it starts like a tacky hi-tech roller coaster with a Star Trek-style control panel interface.
"Welcome to Regal Entertainment," begins a robo-voice.
"I can't do that, Regal," I respond.
The cinema-on-autopilot feeling didn't dissipate until I left. The whole place felt cold, lifeless, and unwelcoming.
I also meant to mention today that my call to Dick Westerling, VP of Marketing for Regal, went unreturned and I was hung up on the next time I called (during business hours).
The movie was underwhelming to say the least. Gimmicky bits felt right (the 'for the fans' stuff), but the movie was nothing but two hours of going-nowhere exposition. The fact that I spent 400 words talking about going to see it and only spent three sentences on the movie should speak for itself.
It's Insurmountable Out There For a Pimp
My contemplation about the state of cinema in America got me to thinking about where Per Screen Average Overlord Hustle & Flow was going. I lack official data, but it looks as if the geniuses at the helm added around 20 screens for Hustle & Flow. At this rate, March of the Penguins will be on 1500 screens before the ascension of D Jay is on that many.
In a related note, the campus paper I contribute to ran my H&F review with the headline: Do the 'Hustle'.
No, I'm not kidding, and no, I didn't write the headline myself. Regardless of the fact that they don't pay me, they cut my tag at the end featuring a link here. I guess they need to save the ink for their readership of twelve.
A Tease
Upcoming bits to look for from me:
Some DVD reviews in Discland, but more prominently...
Tuesday you'll find a review of the straight-to-DVD Family Guy movie. You know, the one set for release in late September.
Hey Fox Video, move the release up or you won't sell as many. Just a thought.